Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

This Marvel superhero series distinguishes itself from all the other Marvel superhero series with its catalogue of immature characters exhibiting only the basest of functions, so the space-adventuring troupe of GotG number 1 and 2 continue to do 1s and 2s in this number 3, and like Groot's one note repeated ad nauseum (*i am Groot"), we see these base character-identifiers over and over again over two hours, and it is tiring - adults like me might like to daydream about more interesting things like what is behind the movie's central thesis, expounded gently but repeatedly, that, "Good dog," is better than, "Bad!"

★★★☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

It used to be that dinosaurs belonged in the Jurassic period, humans in the modern era, and if dinosaurs appeared in the modern era, humans needed to get away from them, but like a living breathing example of Darwinian theory itself, the Jurassic Park series is trying to self-perpetuate and has evolved so that now there are unlikely relationships between some of the humans and dinosaurs, like between Chris Pratt's theme park trainer and Blue, the velociraptor in his care, and "dinosaurs-have-rights-too" groups have sprung up, and arguments abound on the money-making value of dinosaurs, their sentience, their feelings, and it is funny because all this effort to give the series some Planet of the Apes meat on its bones ends up just a lot of noise in this movie which hides within it the movie people actually want to see featuring podcars lodged in the jaws of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, second dinosaur attacks at just the right moment, and lots of running and screaming.

★★☆☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

Passengers (2016)

** SPOILER ALERT **

A ripper sci-fi premise (a man's hibernation chamber malfunctions and he wakes up on a spaceship 90 years ahead of schedule) offers the potential to explore lives off-course and the human response to the abject loneliness of deep space isolation, but instead a glossy Hollywood romance takes place, only to be squandered by two things - plotting as full of holes as the breached hull of a spaceship, and the last-minute introduction of a "come back alive" machine.

★★☆☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

The Magnificent Seven (2016)

"Staged" is one word that springs to mind watching this update of the updates of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, with sets and props so pristine and removed from the action that they look like cartoons and with costumes that look like dress-ups, close-ups of sweaty brows that look like Sergio Leone playacting, and scenes of men entering buildings via saloon doors and exiting seconds later via windows looking like comedic sore thumbs...and other words that spring to mind are "dreadfully boring", "horribly unengaging", "by the numbers" and "far from magnificent".

★☆☆☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

The Star Wars prequels (Episodes 1 to 3) would have benefitted from some of the sass and verve, humour and energy that this space adventure has packed into its two hours, with Chris Pratt the unlikely Skywalker space pirate teaming up with Yoda raccoons and Jar Jar Binks trees to save the universe from some kind of Vader light sabre glowing Death Star thing.

★★★☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

Jurassic World (2015)

There is a violent, undeserved death halfway through this Jurassic Park instalment that is almost torture porn, which is the moment audiences are likely to decide the dinosaurs-wreaking-havoc-on-a-theme-park spectacular, while still replete with the requisite genuinely exciting action set-pieces, is less of a lark this time around.

★★★★☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS

Wanted (2008)

Absurd and utterly fun-free genre-mashing exercise about a Hogwarts-style fraternity of Neos and La Femme Nikitas bad at their jobs, one with a very dull Terminator/Darth Vader family history.

★☆☆☆☆

CINECAL: ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS